Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
