thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
