saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
