oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
