GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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