She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
