i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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