just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
