Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
