Swine flu is the new snow day.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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