Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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