I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
