The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
