I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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