For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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