I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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