the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
