...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
