My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
