have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
