people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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