I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
