The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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