I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
