You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
