I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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