i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
