The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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