We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
