your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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