even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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