Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
