my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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