i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
