People in love make me want to vomit
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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