And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize