the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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