So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
