I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
