I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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