I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
did you just send me my own nude
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
