i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
