Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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