i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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