goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
