I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize