The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
