My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Randomize
