We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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