I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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