Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
