You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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