my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
