he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
