I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
