I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
