from now on my penis is your penis
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
